FOR WHEN YOU SUCK // Recently I sucked. Maybe because of stress, a lack of sleep, or a powerful confluence of dark energies, but I became a caricature of myself. You know those drawings that capitalize on your worst features – tiny eyes, a gargantuan nose, a giant forehead? That was me.
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But My Monster Me was more than ugly to look at, she was a horrifying caricature of my personality – bossy bitch, the ultimate extrovert (the opposite of what’s on trend), clueless, self-centered, annoying, and hyper with just an overall too much-ness about her.
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Afterwards I replayed the situation in my mind. On repeat. I saw, heard, and watched Monster Me being an ass.
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And I hated her. When I remembered I am her, I hated myself.
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Oh, the shame! When I finally named it – this is shame – then, aha. I learned awhile ago from @brenebrown that shame comes with an urge to isolate. Yes, but don’t. She said shame can’t survive connection.
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So I connected, reluctantly. I couldn’t believe how hard it was though. Sharing the whole dirty story with my friends felt like showing my ass, again. No. Like parting my cheeks and showing my actual asshole. Like they would finally have confirmation on all the horrible things they thought about me.
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But do you know what? They loved me! Even my asshole. They didn’t try to make it go away, but heard the situation in all of its grim reality. They reminded me it’s not all of me. And even in that side of me, I am lovable, smart, and passionate. Not too much. They were tickled. Cheering for me. All of me.
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They reminded me of the reality that when I’m my best self some people will hate me, and when I’m my Monster Me some will still love me, because people’s feelings about you relate to their own stuff OR their deep, loving connection to you. That’s it.
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So I get to be Awesome Kim AND Monster Me sometimes too. You too. We are perfectly, imperfectly human. Whole. Dark + light. Awesome + Monster. Both things.
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And the gift in showing my ass(hole) was that I was loved fully and completely. That makes me feel safe, integrated, regulated, and joyous in a way I’m not sure I’ve ever known. So today I’m loving on you, your Monster self and your asshole.
